Kiss Me Deadly
by Xandy J
Summary: Someone's last thoughts after they're turned ... Character death.


Authors Note: Title taken from Billy Idol's amazing song ...  
  
  
Kiss Me Deadly  
  
  
Every night I've got to hide. It's always the same, buried under a pile of blankets on a rickety bed. I can't move when they come, I can't even breathe. It's not like I need to; I haven't had to breathe in a while. But the habit is still there; it's a hard one to break.  
  
If I move at all and they see, I am dead. Truly dead, not a creature of the night any longer, a creature of nothing. I don't know why I hide; I'd welcome the release. It would be comforting and maybe even bring some closure to this game. And I wouldn't have to hide anymore.  
  
I know they know I'm there but I wonder if the reason they haven't lifted up these blankets is because they're afraid of what I've become. Not of me, just what I am.  
  
I cannot live in the light any more but neither can I dance in the dark like I should. They haunt me everywhere. They think I'm afraid to venture out during the day and they wait in this run down house at night. Waiting to see me be careless and move my legs or let out an unneeded breath. Or maybe catch me coming in from hunting. I don't hunt anymore. I let the food come to me. I still don't like taking a life; it's to precious to have. Maybe that's why most vampires relish in the power ... I still think it's sick.   
  
I stick to the sewers and the shadows. It's where I belong, I suppose, I gave up the sun to be what I am. But it was not my choice. I was careless then, they'd think I'd have learned my lesson that one time. I've died once, why should I again?  
  
And still…  
  
It's the same tonight. They're here again, they forget I can tell when they're around. I've been thinking about bringing a chair for one of them to sit in while the wait. No sense in being a bad host but the thought keeps slipping away. I'm forgetting more and more lately. All my memories are fading away and that scares me. As much as I hated it all, I don't want to forget it. Those memories are all I have left of who I used to be.  
  
I close my eyes so I don't have to think about that. It doesn't matter, eyes open or shut, the darkness is always there. Even when I'm not hiding, it's in me now. More so than it used to be. I wonder if they knew that, how dark I was before this happened. I don't think they'll ever know now.  
  
Unless I tell them. Maybe someday I will. Maybe I'll jump out of this bed and tell them. Whisper in their ears of how bad I really was. But I don't think I'm evil enough to do that to them, to crush their illusions. I've done that already and I can't ever change that. They'd never listen to me because of what I've become. They'd think I was trying to manipulate them, to turn them. I wonder if they actually think I'd do that. Take their innocence. Mine was ripped away from me, do they think I would do that to them, too?  
  
They don't see it the way I do and they never will. I pray they won't. Funny, I never started praying until I was turned. At first I thought I would burn up from the inside but I didn't. It's the only comfort I have left. No one else will listen, so I figured God was my best bet.  
  
I'm probably going to go to Hell for this. For everything. Even after all I've fought I still we have no peace. I don't believe any of us will but I have no reason to believe in anything. What do I have to believe in? The moon? Even that I cannot see. I don't even know if it's still in the sky.  
  
The only thing I can be sure of is that they'll come. They always come. Even in death I can be sure of them. Could we be any more morbid?  
  
There are three of them tonight. Who, I'm not even sure. But they're there, a few feet from the bed. Knowing that, it makes my heart break. Do I even have a heart or is just something I think is my heart? I don't know any more. But I feel with something. Maybe it's just my mind.  
  
Someone takes a step towards me and inwardly, I cringe. I tense, ready to pounce … But I don't. It wouldn't be worth it. I might as well just let them find me. Inches away they stop.  
  
I wonder if one night they'll stay, spend the whole night with me right next to them, and wait for me to reveal myself so they can end this. I wonder which one it would be. Would they stare into my eyes and ask if I am still in here, if part of me is left? I hope so, so I could lie, spare them more pain.  
  
I've let them down already; one more time would be too much. Another lie won't hurt them, not as bad as the truth; it's not like they'd ever know. I might not ever see them again anyway. They could never stay. I wouldn't blame them. At one point they'll stop coming. Or they'll leave. Everyone leaves, even I did.  
  
The wind has stopped outside and it's just them and me. Someone whispers something and footsteps make their way towards the door. Now it's just two of us. I can hear their breathing and it makes me feel remorse. I know who it is. But the slight intake of breath and the long exhales make this better to bare. It's a cross I'll have to carry forever.  
  
Their feet shuffle and I can already tell they're uncomfortable. If not because of me, because of what they're going to do.  
  
I think about getting it over with, standing up now instead of prolonging this. But in a way, we both need it.  
  
I let it drag out of a while … Minutes, hours, I'm not sure. It really doesn't matter any more. It's all pointless.  
  
Slowly, I make my move. I'm faster now, faster than I ever was, so getting up isn't the challenge, it's standing my ground.  
  
I stare him in the eye for a moment before blinking. Nothing is playing out on his face and for a moment, I'm proud of him. He's not afraid of me or what I am. He's not carrying any weapons, at least not that I can see so I take a step towards him. He doesn't take one back.  
  
I should have known he'd have been the one that stayed. We'd promised each other if something like this happened, we'd take the other one down. Now I can see the determination in his eyes and I know he'll keep that promise.  
  
But my eyes match his and I know he's thinking the same thing.  
  
The only question now is who is going to break first. I always thought it would be him but now … I'm tired. Too tired of all of this. Of everything.  
  
I take another step and so does he. We're inches apart now.  
  
"I should have known you'd stay," I tell him.  
  
"Yeah, well, who else would it be?" he asks, smiling slightly.  
  
"Any of them," I answer.  
  
"Nah, they couldn't do it. I don't have the heart not to," he tells me, his smile fading.  
  
"You're wrong," I challenge him. The last spark I've got left is lit now.  
  
"Really?" he says, titling his head and I realize how had this is going to be.  
  
"Yeah," I whisper.  
  
"It doesn't have to go down like this, you know. We could -"  
  
"I don't want to watch you die and me go on," I say.  
  
"That's what I had to do," he says and I crumble.  
  
Tears come and I can't stop them, I don't even try. Then he knows I'm still me inside and he just stares. I raise my eyes to meet his and he nods.  
  
I close the gap between us and kiss him so lightly and my heart falls. I know what I've missed and the tears are stronger now.  
  
After a millenium, we part.  
  
His gaze burns into me, into my soul, or what I think is my soul and it's my turn to nod.  
  
Somewhere deep inside of me I knew this day would come. We wouldn't have promised if wouldn't come.  
  
So now we stand, toe to toe, eye to eye … Buffy and Xander.  
  
And somebody breaks.  
  
  
  
She fell into my arms again and my mouth crashed on to hers. Everything I've felt for her was inside that kiss and I felt like dying. I could have if I wanted to and I almost gave in but … What I saw in her eyes, I saw something I never want to feel, something I never wanted her to feel. And I knew.  
  
As I brought my hand up to cup her cheek, I slid the stake into her heart.  
  
And she crumbled in my arms for the second time.  
  
I've never cried so hard in my life. I still don't talk about that night and nobody asks.  
  
Why should they? 


End file.
